Memory

to lose a memory

is to lose a life

at least a part of it anyway

psychology says you will forget

forget the harm

the pain

the discomfort

the trauma response

responding to the whippings, the beatings, the lies that told us we’re deviant, a disease, an abomination, nonexistent

responding to the disgust of clear polish

high heels

lipstick

bratz dolls

I lost my memory 

bright blue and yellow princess dresses

imaging myself as jasmine, aurora, belle only to be called beast for my difference

never to be a prince

never to be a princess

only pauper to a society that scapegoats their problems on my essence

I lost my memory

me in t-shirt dresses

with towels for hair

performing dances to praise a God they told me hates my existence

I lost myself

to save myself

only to hurt myself

and hide myself

psychology says you’ll recover memories to process pain

they come in pieces, phases

they may feel like nightmares, tremors, delusions

psychosis

faint whispers beginning to roar in your mind

until you realize they were truth

you’ll find your memories to save yourself

to love yourself

to mend the holes and broken dreams 

to negate the non-existence

to imagine yourself as you imagined yourself 

to be yourself

i am myself and all my memory

even those my body forced itself to forget